While this post is bound to bring me a ton of abuse and wiseass remarks, Shamus felt it was too funny not to share. So, here we go.
Shamus was out of town this past weekend on a business trip. Being the queen of “emergency situation preparedness”, I did what I always do when Shamus is away. I outlined an escape plan in my mind for Aiden and I in the event of any number of natural disasters. I strategically placed various weaponry around the house in case of a terrorist attack in Willow Street. I left a light or two on while I was out or asleep to ward off possible intruders. My point is, I was prepared for anything. Or so I thought.
Saturday night, I had just put Aiden to bed and I was about to settle in with my vegan brownies, soy milk and a movie. I was doing the last of the dishes when out of the corner of my eye, I see this big black cricket (no joke, the size of a tennis ball) hop from the island to the kitchen floor. Now before I continue, I need to let you in on a few of my biggest fears. The first being sharks and just the ocean, in general. A very close second though, are cockroaches and crickets. They are incredibly fast and unpredictable and have no apparent fear of humans. I used to mace cockroaches in NYC when they got too close. But here I am alone and in absolute sheer terror of the cricket that seems to mock me from his place on the floor, causing me to jump every time he makes the slightest movement.
I realized that I was so very alone and would need to handle this by myself. The first thing I had to do was put down my Glock which I had intuitively un-holstered from my sweatpants(Plaxico Buress style).Perhaps, 16 rounds of hollow point was a bit overkill. I exchanged my gun for a bottle of Tilex in one hand and a red cup in the other. As I sprayed the cricket with a blind, murderous rage, he stumbled around trying to get away but the relentless stream of poison and fumes stunned him. When he finally stopped moving momentarily, I put the red cup over him (shrieking like a little girl the whole time). I figured at the very least, I had bought myself a few minutes to think.
Oddly enough, I had a conversation with my friend Luci earlier that afternoon about why I hate crickets. I had tried to explain how her fear of snakes was totally unfounded compared to my “worst case” cricket scenarios. I decided to text her a picture of the red cup, explained the predicament I was in and asked her what I should do. Her response was brilliant but involved me getting a little too close to the cricket for my comfort. I jokingly (OK- I was dead serious) asked her to make the hour long trek back to my house to finish the job. Seeing as how she thought I was kidding, I decided to go about my night and give the cricket a chance to die on his own. Alright, it’s a little cruel but I knew I could handle a dead cricket a lot better than a live one. I contemplated leaving it there on the floor until Shamus came home the next day, but Luci kindly pointed out that the first thing Aiden would do when he saw the cup the next morning would be to pick it up and play with its contents. After the movie, I spent about seven minutes talking myself into finishing what I started. I grabbed a piece of paper, lifted the cup just enough to get the paper under there, then threw it all into the garbage. To be extra safe, I immediately tied up the garbage bag, doubled the bag up and threw it outside. Take that Mr. Cricket. Let that be a lesson to you and all your cricket friends.
Shamus was out of town this past weekend on a business trip. Being the queen of “emergency situation preparedness”, I did what I always do when Shamus is away. I outlined an escape plan in my mind for Aiden and I in the event of any number of natural disasters. I strategically placed various weaponry around the house in case of a terrorist attack in Willow Street. I left a light or two on while I was out or asleep to ward off possible intruders. My point is, I was prepared for anything. Or so I thought.
Saturday night, I had just put Aiden to bed and I was about to settle in with my vegan brownies, soy milk and a movie. I was doing the last of the dishes when out of the corner of my eye, I see this big black cricket (no joke, the size of a tennis ball) hop from the island to the kitchen floor. Now before I continue, I need to let you in on a few of my biggest fears. The first being sharks and just the ocean, in general. A very close second though, are cockroaches and crickets. They are incredibly fast and unpredictable and have no apparent fear of humans. I used to mace cockroaches in NYC when they got too close. But here I am alone and in absolute sheer terror of the cricket that seems to mock me from his place on the floor, causing me to jump every time he makes the slightest movement.
I realized that I was so very alone and would need to handle this by myself. The first thing I had to do was put down my Glock which I had intuitively un-holstered from my sweatpants(Plaxico Buress style).Perhaps, 16 rounds of hollow point was a bit overkill. I exchanged my gun for a bottle of Tilex in one hand and a red cup in the other. As I sprayed the cricket with a blind, murderous rage, he stumbled around trying to get away but the relentless stream of poison and fumes stunned him. When he finally stopped moving momentarily, I put the red cup over him (shrieking like a little girl the whole time). I figured at the very least, I had bought myself a few minutes to think.
Oddly enough, I had a conversation with my friend Luci earlier that afternoon about why I hate crickets. I had tried to explain how her fear of snakes was totally unfounded compared to my “worst case” cricket scenarios. I decided to text her a picture of the red cup, explained the predicament I was in and asked her what I should do. Her response was brilliant but involved me getting a little too close to the cricket for my comfort. I jokingly (OK- I was dead serious) asked her to make the hour long trek back to my house to finish the job. Seeing as how she thought I was kidding, I decided to go about my night and give the cricket a chance to die on his own. Alright, it’s a little cruel but I knew I could handle a dead cricket a lot better than a live one. I contemplated leaving it there on the floor until Shamus came home the next day, but Luci kindly pointed out that the first thing Aiden would do when he saw the cup the next morning would be to pick it up and play with its contents. After the movie, I spent about seven minutes talking myself into finishing what I started. I grabbed a piece of paper, lifted the cup just enough to get the paper under there, then threw it all into the garbage. To be extra safe, I immediately tied up the garbage bag, doubled the bag up and threw it outside. Take that Mr. Cricket. Let that be a lesson to you and all your cricket friends.
9 comments:
Kris! I'm reading this at around 2am with tears in my eyes. Let me tell you your not alone. Fred has a like fear all 6'5" 270lbs. of him. We were setting up a cable job in one of NYC finest basements on Allen street. While Fred set up the work area I went for 2 cups of joe. I got about half way down the stairs on the way back when the scream came followed by Fred. He had cut open the cable splice and unleashed a Cockroach nest. I still belive I have his size 14 imprinted on my back. At least you know you got your Cricket
Those of us that have seen Kris at the firing range, know quite well the cricket never stood a chance, regardless of what Kris was packin'
that day.
Hey Kris, was there a laser sight on the Tilex?
Great story! LOL
Luci suggested that I use your laser sight .38, but it was upstairs and I wasn't taking my chances of losing him. The Tilex was more of a "spray and pray" weapon.
Character- I'm glad even a big tough guy like Freddy can understand how I feel!
krissy it has been awhile since i read shas blog. why didnt u call dad. he is very good a killing bugs.he knows how i hate bugs. in fact only this week i was in disposed and a bee was in the bathroom. well since i couldnt do anything but yell. dad came to the rescue and took care of him with out any effort. but your story telling was priceless.
I would have been just as afraid! I've had to save myself from a few frogs that got into our house and it wasn't fun!
I should have been there to protect you!
the cricket never really stood a chance petite and powerful kris was on the job. kris always gets her man or cricket in this case.
I just read this and it was hilarious. Funny stuff.
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